See? Improvement. 2 posts in a week. I'm so proud of me. But today, my post is not really my own. A friend of mine, who is so much more than a friend and no I don't mean lover to all you dirty minded folk out there (I'm one of you, so heyyyy :) ), sent me an email yesterday. And it was one of those emails where feelings were put into words in a way that isn't a stretch, isn't just words or metaphors or an attempt at poetry, even though it's quite poetic in its own way. The only reason I wanted to share is because I know at one point everyone was there and can relate somehow.
I've thought about writing for a while now, but I always felt I was giving in to my weaknesses once again. Every night my thoughts wander back into my memories of him, and every night I scold myself for allowing that to happen. At the risk of sounding cheesy and emotional, I'm going to go ahead and get this out. At some point in time, when I'm happily married with 5 kids, a nanny, and a husband going through his midlife crisis, I will look back at this and smile (or so they say).
As children, our parents always knew when and how to discipline us, especially when we used strong words like, stupid, dumbo, and hate. Hate was a big no no (stupid and dumbo were too, but dumbo was an elephant as well, so that helped my case). Hate, on the other hand, was in a league of its own. When I'd frantically kick and scream like any youngest child would, I'd express my deep hate for whoever got in my way of getting whatever it was that I wanted. Of course, naturally, my mother would ignore me and say: 'the reason you hate so much is because you love that person enough to hate them,' I never knew what she meant by that. To end this part of my anecdote sadly, now I do. I never thought I'd hate (or love so deeply to wish for hate). When I disliked someone, hate was not on my: ' list of words to use when someone pisses you off.' I always thought it was too harsh (and heard my mom's voice in the background). I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still in love with him. I've loved him to the point of hate (here's hoping). I've loved him so deeply that now, I pray everyday that hate knocks on my door and says, 'hey okay, it's enough, you can hate him now'. I do know however, that I hate how I think of him every night. I hate waking up hoping he has a 'lovely' day (and will secretly think of me and call). I hate that now, he barely acknowledges my existence (or my past existence in his life for that matter), and I must admit, I hate that he's moved on (happy for him but hate it). Too much hate for one paragraph? Yes, I think so.
It's a lie to say I hate him because I don't. If I did (or at least didn't care for him) you wouldn't be reading this nor would I be up at this hour trying to write a confession to myself. But the truth is, I hate that the memory of him lies down next to me, every night, its head on my favourite pillow, and puts me to sleep. I hate it so much that I wish it never to go away no matter how many tears fall on my next favourite pillow. That personified memory of him is what keeps loneliness away sometimes (we are on a first name basis). Question is, if I let go of this, if I stop hating him (or loving him, they're both the same to me now) will the enormous rock on my chest be lifted? Will I wake up with a smile on my face that isn't connected to his memory? Letting go is my goal, and though I may act like I'm ready, I'm nowhere near.
I'm not saying that he's Mr. Perfect (he was at some point in time), but he was perfect for me (was is a keyword I should remember). I know I should let go, and that I sound desperate and lonely and slightly pathetic and weak for holding on, but, but I have no justification for my actions, my brain and heart are conflicted on this matter. Loving him is no longer an option because the love that was, doesn't exist anymore, and no, I didn't give up without a fight (he did). I fought hard, but kept getting hit in the face with all the doors he'd shut as I tried to reconnect. Sounds like a bastard right? Well, I'll leave it to you to judge, I can swear at him all I want, but I never mean it and I always smile as I call him all the bad adjectives in the world, like I'm teasing him (psycho much!). My friends say that the day will come, that 'it will hit me when I least expect it', that 'you'll meet someone out of the blue, and that will help you forget him'. Sorry but I want to know when that happens, so I can be ready, I don't want 'least expected', it didn't work out well the last time I met (and fell for someone) out of the blue. How am I doing myself justice (and Mr. Out of the blue) if I use him to forget another, I don't think that's fair, but that's just me. I can go on and on and on about the pain that was left behind, but seriously, it's not as bad as it was at first. It's controllable (at times). I know now what my other meant. In order for me to hate him, I must have loved him to the point where love was no longer an option. So in the end, love turned into hate, but not hate towards him , but hate towards myself for still loving him after all he put me through. Wow, there's a revelation. Time to move on now.
No conclusion. Heartache is an unfortunate bitch. Please don't mind my language, heartbreak does that to you. An aching heart's only cure is time. But sometimes, like the above case, no matter how much time passes by, the heart does not heal. Why? No closure. You need closure to be able to move on, without it? Your mind starts to analyze and before you know it you're infected with thoughts of that person, alongside the "why? What happened? What did I do? Was it me? Was there someone else? etc..." It consumes you. Take our advice, closure is the most important thing in a breakup. Make sure you understand the reasons, you don't have to agree with them, you just need to understand them to be able to move on.
As for music, I thought this was quite appropriate maybe? I happened to listen to it last night while I was reading the email and it just kinda worked. Soundtrack of the story.
Love my friends.. hate their exes,
Bambi
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